Lost Again
by NerdySparkles
Summary: Summary: Major City of Heavenly Fire Spoilers! What if Simon wouldn't have sacrificed his immortality for Magnus in the demon realms? How would Magnus' death effect Alec and the others? How is Alec going to handle it? Will they find a way to get Magnus back? Alec/Magnus.
1. Feeling Lost

**Disclaimer: Beginning half of the story is from the book CoHF. All rights belong to the beautiful and talented Cassandra Clare!**

** Hey there! Who's ready to cry? This is so sad. Why did I write this? I thought it was a good idea!**

** I honestly don't know if this is going to be continued? I hope so. It's starting out as a one-shot, but it sounds like it needs to be continued possibly… Idk! Send me some reviews on whether you want more! But now we must get sad, and go back to the memories of CoHF. Read on…**

"You won't touch him," Alec said, his voice like iron. "Maybe you've forgotten what we do, us Nephilim, but we _kill demons. _Even princes of Hell."

"Oh, I know well what you do; my kinsman Abbadon you slew, and our princess Lilith you scattered to the winds of the void, though she will return. She always has a place in Edom. That is why I allowed her son to set himself up here, though I admit I did not realize what a mess he'd make." Asmodeus rolled his eyes; Clary suppressed a shudder. Around the gold-green pupils the sclerae of his eyes were black as oil. "I do not plan to kill Magnus. That would be messy and silly, and besides I could have had his death arranged at any time, In his life freely given I want, for the immortal has power, great power, and it will help me fuel my kingdom."

"But he's your son," Isabelle protested,

"And he will remain with me," said Asmodeus with a grin. "In spirit, you might say."

Alec whirled on Magnus, who stood with his hands in his pockets, scowling. "He wants to take your immortality?"

"Exactly," Magnus said.

"But- you'd survive? Just not be immortal anymore?" Alec looked wretched, and Clary couldn't help feeling awful for him. After the reason Alec and Magnus had broken up, Alec certainly didn't want or need to be reminded that he had once wanted Magnus's mortality taken away.

"My mortality would be gone," Magnus said. "All the years of my life would come on me at once. I would be unlikely to survive it. Almost four hundred years is quite a lot to take, even if you moisturize regularly."

"You can't," Alec said, and there was a plea in his voice. "He said 'a life given willingly.' Say no."

Magnus raised his head and looked up and over at Alec; it was a look that made Clary flush and glance away. There was so much love in it, mixed with exasperation and pride and despair. It was an unguarded look, and it felt wrong to see it. "I can't say no, Alexander," he said. "If I do, we all remain here; we'll die anyway. We'll starve, our ashes turn to dust and plague the demons of the realm."

"Fine," Alec said. "There isn't any one of us who would give up your life to save ours."

Magnus glanced around at the faces of his companions, dirty and exhausted and brutalized and despairing, and Clary saw the look on Magnus's face change as he realized that Alec was right. None of them would give up his life to save theirs, even all of theirs.

"I've lived a _long _time," Magnus said. "So many years, and no, it doesn't feel like enough. I won't lie and say it does. I want to live on-partly because of you, Alec. I have never wanted to live so much I have these past few months, with you."

Alec looked stricken. "We'll die together," he said. "Let me stay at least, with you."

"You have to go back. You have to go back to the world."

"I don't want the world. I want you," Alec said, and Magnus closed his eyes, as if the words almost hurt. Asmodeus watched as they spoke, avidly, almost hungrily, and Clary remembered that demons fed on human emotions- fear and joy and love and pain. Most of all, pain.

"You can't stay with me," Magnus said after a pause. "There will be no me; the demon will take my life force, and my body will crumble away. Four hundred years, remember."

"'The demon,'" Asmodeus said, and sniffed. "You could say my name, at least, while you're boring me… Get on with it, my boy," Asmodeus added. "I haven't got all eternity to wait-and neither have you, anymore."

"I have to save you, Alec," Magnus said. "You and everyone you love; it's a small price to pay; isn't it, in the end, for all of that?"

"Not _everyone _I love," Alec whispered, and felt tears pressing behind his eyes. It wasn't fair that Magnus should be the one to pay the price; who had the least part in the story of the Nephilim and angels and demons and vengeance, compared to any of the rest of them; Magnus, who was only a part of it all because he loved Alec. "_No,_" Alec said. Magnus and Alec clung to each other; there was a tenderness even in to curve of Magnus's finger around Alec's shoulder as he bent to kiss him. It was a kiss of desperation and clutching more than passion; Magnus held on tightly enough for his fingers to bite into Alec's arm, but in the end he stepped away, and turned toward his father.

"All right," Magnus said, bracing himself, nerving himself up as if he were about to throw his body onto a pyre. "All right, take me. I give you my life. I am willing." Magnus walked toward Asmodeus.

Alec couldn't help but yell out for Magnus. He's been away from him for so long and now as they got back together he was losing him again. Asmodeus grabbed Magnus by the arm and Alec screamed for him to stop and pleaded for him. The air got thick and the place began to brighten.

There was a light that shined in their eyes. Magnus screamed painfully and it began to fade. Alec was suddenly laying down on the cool floor of the Accords. The light that had blinded their eyes faded and Alec looked around the Accord room that was filled with grief stricken people of witness of their loved ones. Tears began to spill down Alec's cheeks.

There was this empty feeling that welled in his chest and he let his head fall to the cool floor. He saw Isabelle run up over to him, trying to calm and soothe him. But nothing was going to make that empty feeling leave him. It felt like his heart was missing from his chest and he couldn't breathe. All he thought of was Magnus and the way he had fallen for him, and how Magnus fallen for Alec.

All Alec wanted to do was lay on the floor of the Accords and cry. There were many people, scared and dirtied from the war gathering in the Accords. Isabelle had eventually left him be as he cried. His heart hurt and broke. His mind thought to Magnus, and the memories they had shared together. All Alec wanted his immortality taken away and he got what he wanted. But he didn't know that it would leave him alone and broken hearted of Magnus.

Alec tried closing his eyes and shutting away the memories. But when he closed his eyes they became more vivid. His yellow green cat eyes flashed into his eyes and his beautiful smile and laugh. Magnus always being there for him when things took a turn on him and. He was there when he found out about the death of his younger brother Max. Magnus was there to comfort him and love him. All Alec wanted was to be held by Magnus one more time. To hear his voice and feel his hands interlocked with Magnus's. To feel his strong embrace and arms wrap around him.

Many of his family members came to talk to him. Even his friends. Clary, Simon, Jace, Isabelle, Maryse, even Robert. They all said strong words and willed him to fight away the pain that was tearing him apart. But nobody else's words were going to help the feeling that would be with Alec forever.

The Accords Hall was emptied of people who were once rushing around during the night. The sun was beginning to rise and Alec was still curled on the floor in the middle of the room, feeling empty and lonely. Tears still spilled from his eyes even though he cried the entire night, loud sobs echoed through the empty room in the darkness. Simon had offered to the others that he'd stay with him through the rest of the night. He was asleep and exhausted across the room, still in the endarkened's red gear.

The whole time Alec lay there, he was awake. Awake with fear and sadness. He never imaged the empty feeling of having Magnus completely gone from his life. All he wanted to do was sleep, hoping he could escape the pain of memory's that constantly stayed with him.

The sun shinned brightly through the broken windows of the accords. Groggily, Simon stood up from the uncomfortable position he was in on the floor and walked over to Alec. Simon could hear his sniffling sobs that still shook through his body.

Simon knelt beside him, lightly placing his scarred and bruised hand on his shoulder. Alec didn't look up, but continued crying. "Alec," Simon's voice came out raspy. He never knew Magnus all that well. But seeing how much his love had destroyed and affected Alec, brought tears to everyone's eyes. "I know, how much you loved-"

"Don't!" Alec's head shot up before he could say his name. His voice came out strangled and loud, echoing through the large room. "I don't want to hear your speech! I know! I loved him! I cared about him! The world means nothing to me without him in my life!" Alec's eyes shot at Simon, his iris' bright blue and stinging with anger and red from crying. "He left me torn apart when he broke up with me before the war! And I thought it was the worst feeling to have lost him like that! But this-, this is so much worse. I would rather have him hate me, or not know me than have him not in my life completely! I would rather have anything else than this! None of you know how bad this feels, how awful and miserable I will probably be for the rest of my life! I feel empty and sad and broken, and nothing any of you say will change that!"

Simon looked at him startled, tears building in his eyes. "I'm-I'm sorry." He tilted his head down, letting brown hair fall in front of his face so his brown tearing eyes were hidden. The angry words Alec shot at him had echoed through the room with painful. But his words were full of so much sadness and meaning that it left Simon tearing up. Simon couldn't believe how hurt Alec was left. But then he thought of what would happen if Isabelle had left his life like that.

Alec and Magnus' love was so strong. Alec laid back on the floor, tears falling from his eyes and on the floor. Memory's flooded his vision. Small kisses, hugs, even loving glances poured through his mind, making him feel forgotten and alone. He wanted to leave life, leave the pain, and leave it all behind. But the more he willed the memories away, the stronger they gotten. He was in the room where they had their first kiss and where he started his journey with the man he loved. He remembered how much fear had been built in his stomach when he went to kiss Magnus. It was like things were in slow motion, and when his lips finally met Magnus', the fear left. It was like only him and Magnus were there, their love strongly building in the moment.

He had thoughts of getting him back somehow. But he knew it wasn't possible. The man he was desperately in love with was gone. If things could just be different, if things could have happened differently. He thought about it on and on, and it was torturing him.

He was tortured with thoughts and memories. So many moments building up in his mind. The happy memories should have made him glad for the times he got to spend with Magnus. But it just made him miss him incredulously. He was beating himself up with guilt of what he had done to Magnus, wishing he could change it. Even thoughts of never meeting him came to his mind. He wouldn't be in the pain he was now. But Magnus changed him for good and made Alec feel different than others had. Magnus helped him in so many ways and loved and cared for him like no one had. And he needed him now.

Simon stood up when Alec slowly collapsed back onto the floor, shaking with tears. Simon walked to the front doors of the Accords, limping as he slowly walked. When he reached the doors he looked back. Alec was still in the same spot. His figure curled in a ball, his body shaking of sadness, tears flowing of feeling lost.

And that's what he was. How he felt… He felt lost again.

**Oh gosh, please don't kill me… You may be crying, but I'll have you know that I cried while writing it, so don't be angry! Please review and give me some feedback! I don't know if I should continue this or not? Be sure to tell me in a review! I wrote a lot of this a long time ago and then left it off for a while and now I've finally managed to finish it! Yay! Hope you enjoyed!**


	2. Choose Your Fate

**I've decided to continue the story! Yay! Hopefully I can start to figure out more on this story, and make a schedule for updating it. But for now, updates may probably range in a variety of ways. I'm still kind of figuring this out. But, I've decided what to do for this chapter. It probably won't be much, but I hope you enjoy. **

**ALSO! I have a friend that thought of an amazing idea for a Fanfic. It's Malec and he's already put up the first chapter and it's awesome! I suggest you defiantly check it out, his name is Highwarlockofkokomo, and he has helped me out on previous stories and helped proof read this chapter for me. The name of the story is Badly Broken. So please, go check out the story, he would love the feedback and he deserves it! I honestly think you'll love it!**

**Before you read, there is going to be a lot of depressing things going on this story most likely. Alec is suffering a very personal death and is going through major depression if it isn't obvious. So if you're sensitive to stuff like that, then here's your warning.**

"Alec…" Isabelle's soft voice muffled from behind the wooden door of Alec's room. She carried a tray with small amounts of food filling it. "Alec, please let me talk to you. At least open the door."

Alec laid on top of his bed, his head buried under his pillow, where his eyes still shed tears even a week after the traumatizing events. He really didn't want to be bothered. His sister won't change anything. After she's done speaking, he'll still feel broken and sad. Even if what they say is true… Nothing will change the emptiness Alec is feeling.

Alec sat up, the pillow falling to the floor. He wiped his eyes and stood up. He was hunched over, red eyes, with messy hair, and wrinkled clothing. He had bags under his eyes, and a cold from crying so much. He would never show up to any meetings or visits they would get at the institute. He never left his room to eat so Isabelle would occasionally leave food at the door even though it would never be touched. She knew that nothing would fix what Alec's feeling, but she needed to at least care for him.

Alec walked to the door slowly, his feet heavily padding across the floor. As he approached the door his steps became more hesitant and he felt regret when he reached for the doorknob. But there was no going back as he turned the knob and was faced with the pitying face of his sister. He had stopped his tears when he was deciding on opening the door. But now that he saw her, her eyes began to fill with tears and memories flooded his mind again. Not just of Magnus, but the times he had been there for her when she dealt with breakups of friends and boyfriends, when they mourned the death of their little brother. He had been there for her so much, and now she was there for him.

He quickly glanced at the tray she was holding, unwanting of what was on the tray. But he took it and set it on the floor next to him, standing back up he let tears blur his vision as he hugged his sister tightly and his body shook of sobs. Isabelle wrapped her arms around him, crying with him. She cared about Magnus, maybe not as much as Alec. Yet she even felt the emptiness of his death as well. It felt different. Magnus helped lessen the tenseness in situations with his flamboyant personality and his striking humor. Magnus changed everyone in one way or another.

Alec pulled away from his sister, tears spilling down his cheeks as he sobbed. "I'm sorry…" He croaked, his voice was getting raspy and hoarse due to all of the crying he's done.

"Why?" Isabelle wiped her eyes. "Why are you sorry?"

Alec looked down at the floor and waited a few seconds before he spoke. "Am I overreacting?" He looked up through his dark hair, wiping his eyes just to have more tears spill from his blue eyes. "Should I still be so upset over him? I hadn't been with him for even a year, yet I feel like I've known him for so long. Like I've been with him for so long. I feel like I can never move on. I think of if I will still be crying a year from now over the death of him. And I think that's a possibility. I feel like my life before Magnus was a waste, like I only mattered until I met him. How could he just leave my life like that? Should I be this affected by him? I imagined spending a long life with him. I trusted him so much and cared about him so much and I still do. But he's gone! I'll never see him again and I can't even stand the thought of that! I just want to see him and hear his voice and have him tell me that everything is going to be okay, but it won't! I can't live the rest of my life without him… It doesn't feel possible, and if I do, it will be spent crying in this room. I just want him back… Please Isabelle, the only reassuring thing I want to hear is that he's okay and that I can see him again."

Isabelle felt tears build in her eyes again. The death of Magnus was a very sad experience, but seeing her brother so torn and devastated was just awful. She couldn't stand to see him like this. "Alec. That's all I wish I could tell you. I miss him to. But don't apologize. The last thing you should be doing is apologizing for crying. And I want him back to. I miss his sparkly'ness. How he could nearly blind you with his sequined clothing." She smiled.

Alec let out a small laugh with a slight grin that just went back into a frown. "Izzy…"

"What?" She looked at him with concern.

"Can you…" He broke off as tears flooded his vision again and he broke into sobs. Isabelle hugged him and comforted him, managing to handle his sobs. "Can you come with me to Magnus' flat?"

Isabelle pulled into the parking lot in front of the large brick building. Alec was sitting next to her and so far his crying was over. His eyes were still ringed in red and he looked tired. He stepped out of the car with Isabelle, and as she headed to the building she didn't feel his presence anymore.

Turing around, she could see Alec. He was looking at the building with wide eyes, his hand gripped the car door handle and his knuckles were white. Fear flashed in his eyes and soon tears poured down from his eyes.

Isabelle rushed back over to him, taking his hand away from the car door. "Alec." Isabelle tried calming him. "You don't have to go in there. If you want, I can go in there and get the things you need."

Alec looked at her through tears. "Thank you." Alec sobbed. "I'm not ready to go in there." Alec opened the car door. He listed off some things he may need from the flat and she quickly went and got them.

As Isabelle got his things, Alec sat in the car. The sight of the building was all it took to bring him back to tears. Alec pulled his knees up to his chest and cried away his thoughts, not noticing when Isabelle entered the car.

Alec felt a hand on his shoulder and looked over. "You might also want this…" Isabelle held a pink blanket out to him. Alec took the blanket in confusion, and was startled by how heavy the blanket was.

In the blanket rested a small thick haired cat, whose appearance would be mistaken for a kitten. Alec busted into tears again, holding the small cat against his chest. The cat stretched and cuddled against Alec's chest. Isabelle put a bag of Alec's belongings in the backseat of the car and headed back to the Institute.

Alec was back in his room, sitting on his bed with Chairman Meow sitting in his lap. The cat clawed at his door, wanting out. He knew where the cat wanted to go, and that only made his heart hurt worse. The cat walked back to Alec and padded around the floor at his feet meowing. Tears slipped from his eyes again and he picked the small cat off the floor.

"Stop Chairman." He sobbed softly. "He isn't coming back. Ever…"

Alec set the cat down on the bed next to him and he stood up walking to his bathroom. The pain he constantly felt was beginning to be unbearable. He opened the door to the bathroom nervously and walked inside, shutting the door behind him quietly.

Alec opened the door to the door to the cabinet behind the mirror and picked up the small shining object off the shelf, shutting the door behind it. He looked at his reflection in the mirror, nearly crying at his appearance. He had bags under his eyes, he was paler than usual, his hair was a mess, and he even had tears still falling down his face. He never realized until now, how Magnus made him so happy and look it. Magnus made Alec so happy, and now he was gone. All the happiness in his life was gone and now he had nothing left to live for. So here he was to end it.

Alec lifted the small blade up an examined it. The blade was from a pocket knife he had found sitting around. He put the small blade next to the pale skin of his arm, the metal was cool against his skin and soon it will be covered in his blood.

He lifted the blade away from his arm one last time and held it above his wrist. Alec began to get frustrated, as he couldn't get the courage to bring the blade down to his wrist, couldn't get the weapon to cover his wrist in red. He finally got the strength to bring the blade down slightly when a knock on the door made him jump and throw the blade so it clattered onto the tile floor.

"Alec are you in there?" Maryse' calm voice came from the other side of the thick wooden door.

"Ye-yeah." Alec's voice cracks as he pants from nervousness as he grips the sink.

"Can I come in?" Maryse asks. "Or could you come out here? I want to talk to you."

"Yeah sure. Hold on…" Alec loosens his grip from the sink and picks up the blade from the floor and places it back in the cabinet. He opened the bathroom door with shaking hands and greets his mother with a forced smile. He motions for her to sit on the bed and he sat down next to her once she did. "What did you want mom?"

Maryse put her hand over her son's on his shaking knee. "Isabelle told me you were finally speaking. And I wanted to tell you that I know what you're going through."

"No, mom." Alec stopped her calmly. "You don't understand one bit of what I'm dealing with."

"I was heartbroken once when I was younger." Maryse spoke, ignoring Alec.

"Mom!" Alec stopped her, running a shaky hand through his hair. "Magnus didn't break my heart. He died. He didn't break up with me and leave me heart broken, he died and now I'm alone. I don't know why no one can understand this. I still love him and will never stop. But he isn't here for me. He left the world and now I just feel empty…"

Maryse looked at her son sadly. "I'm sorry Ale-."

Alec stood up and interrupted her apologies. "I really don't feel like talking about this right now. I don't want pity."

Maryse' eyes began to water and she stood up and slowly walked out the door.

Alec stood in the same place for a few minutes, staring at the bathroom door feeling guilty. Behind that door was a fate, and behind his bedroom door was another. He couldn't choose. He would never date again and be alone, or he could end all of his pain with a slit of his wrist or many other creative ways.

He decided for now to just close the bathroom door and stay in his room in sorrow.

He decided to just sit on his bed and cry away the pain. But he knew he could never cry away this kind of pain.

_ I opened my eyes groggily and sat up from my bed. I rubbed at my eyes before standing up and stumbling on my way to the bathroom. As I opened the door I was suddenly stopped by a person standing in my way._

_ My eyes were staring at a bright orange shirt with a bright blazer over the top. I looked up to see a most beautiful person I've ever saw in my life. His eye's bright green with gold flecks, black hair in spikes, and his pupils slit like a cats. I knew who I was staring at, the most beautiful man I've met. My only love. The only one who made me feel loved. Magnus Bane._

_ He looked down at me with a smirk plastered at his lips, one eye brow raised higher than the other. But in his eyes I saw sorrow. Like he was full of sadness and something awful had happened. I felt tears well in my eyes and I saw his eyes were tearing up too._

_ "Alec." Magnus let a tear fall from his eye._

_ "Magnus?" I croaked out, all of the tears spilling from my eyes._

_ "Please stop crying…" he sighed. "I can't stand knowing and seeing that you are going through this." Magnus reached up one of his hands, wiping away the tears that spilled from my eyes that were soon replaced with more. _

_ "I can't." I sobbed. "Not now that you're gone."_

_ "I'm always here Alec." He smiled sadly._

_ "No you're not. I need you here next to me. I need you to be happy." I cried._

_ "No you don't…" Magnus looked down at the floor as if he couldn't say something. "Promise me you'll stay safe Alec. Hurting yourself isn't the right thing to do." He said after awhile_

_ "Magnus, I can't stand being in this world anymore." I looked up at him to see tears spilling from his eyes. "I can't promise that…"_

_ "I'm not worth it, Alec." He looked down at the floor again._

_ "Don't say that, Magnus." Alec looked up, the tears stopping momentarily. "You _were_ my world…"_

_ "I love you, Alec." Magnus spoke after a while. _

_ More tears spilled down from Alec's eyes. "I love you too, Magnus." Alec said between sobs as he looked down at the floor. Magnus lifted Alec's head up by his chin, looking at him with tears. Magnus began to lean down, eyes closing softly. Alec leaned up, his eyes closed and felt the heat form Magnus' lips before-_

****Alec woke up with his heart racing and jolted up from where he was laying and sat up. His eyes were sore from crying in his sleep and he saw the bathroom door opened. He remembered leaving it closed before he went to bed. Then he remember seeing Magnus in his dream, which caused more tears to spill from his eyes.

Alec ran up form where he was sitting and ran into the bathroom. He shut the door behind him and stood in front of the mirror out of breath. He looked at his reflection and opened the cabinet and grabbed the familiar blade.

He was beginning to choose a fate. He knew it wasn't the right one, but it felt right. He wanted to relieve his heart. Each day gets longer and longer the more he is without him. Their break up was devastating, but now he was gone and there was nothing left.

He looked at the blade, his vision blurry from the tears building in his eyes. He shut his eyes, willing the tears to go away and looked into the bright light in the bathroom in the ceiling. He looked back down at the blade calmly, holding up his other wrist.

"I'm so sorry Magnus…" Alec said through ragged sobs as he felt tears spill from his eyes and dot his shirt, and looked at the blade once more and brought it down to his wrist.

**: ( Hi… I told you it was going to get depressing. I hope you liked this. I've been working on it for a while. I got a neat idea from one of you to have Alec adopt Chairman. So I figured why not. But I wonder what Alec's dream way about… Tell me what you think! Thanks for reading.**


	3. A Dark Fate Chosen

**OMG an ACTUAL update!? I left you guys on a cliff hanger and it feels like it has been a year since I have actually uploaded anything... I'm super sorry you guys. I worked on this for so long and I just couldn't find a good place to take this story and I still feel that way. I promise to try to actually upload a chapter more normally. My whole summer was just booked from beginning to end. But, I feel like it's no excuse, especially for about five months of waiting.**

**But that's all... But, I do want to say that I am not a doctor, so if I get anything medical wrong here, I apologize in advance. I normally research to make sure I have things right anyway. But back to the story! Read on!**

Alec stared in horror as thin lines of red began dripping down his arm. Each line wandered from the deep, painful cut Alec drug down his arm over the vein. He hissed in pain and lifted the blade from his arm. Each trail of dark scarlet blood fell from the cut and dripped from his arm. He looked from his cut and to the floor where small droplets hit the perfect white tile, the dark shining blood clashing with the tile.

The pain was beginning to get unbearable in his arm. He managed to cut into the main vein in his arm and drug it from his wrist all the way to his elbow. With his uncut arm he punched the door in pain with a clenched fist and his eyes tightly squeezed shut.

"Fuck!" Alec let a loud swear leave his mouth before grabbed at his hurt arm, smearing the beautiful blood along his arm and on his hand, some of the blood dotting his shirt. He pressed his back to the wall next to his shower and held onto his arm before sliding down to the floor.

As soon as his vision began to get the slightest bit blurry, Maryse began knocking on the door, probably with Isabelle. "Alec are you alright?" Maryse sounded concerned.

"Yeah, I'm fine mom." His voice cracked and he held onto his arm panted in nervousness and fright. He felt regret as he heard his concerned mother from the other side of the door.

He didn't hear anything else for another two or three minutes besides Maryse and Isabelle frantically knocking on the door and asking for him to let them in. Luckily he had locked the door.

Suddenly the door to the bathroom flung open knocking off one set of the hinges. Jace had kicked the door open and was nearly taken aback at what was right in front of his eyes.

Alec sat on the floor as blood poured out of his arm in streams. The dark blood continued to flow from the cut and Alec was beginning to get dizzy from so much blood loss. The floor was puddled in red and Alec was drained of his energy, he could barely move.

"Alec!" Jace's eyes went wide and his voice raised so it could be heard over the entire Institute. He wasn't angry at him or yelling at him, he was worried for him. Jace ran to him and knelt next to him. He picked him up by his shoulders and lifted him up from the floor. "What the fuck are you thinking?" He said drastically and dragged him to his bed. Alec could hear Isabelle and his mother gasp as they saw his appearance when Jace brought him in the room, only making him feel even worse. "Maryse! Call the Silent Brother's, the cut is to deep nothing is going to heal this. He has already ran out of so much blood."

"Okay!" She obeyed and ran out of the room. Jace leaned Alec against the head board of the bed and ran to the bathroom and grabbed towels, bandages, or anything he could use to stop the bleeding. He pressed a whit wash cloth against his blood stained pale skin and tried to slow the bleeding.

Jace glanced over at the doorway to see a figure standing there. Isabelle was trembling with her hand over her mouth. Her dark eyes shown with terror as they were wide open and her figure was hunched over.

"Isabelle!" Jace called out for help.

"By the Angel…" she let out a quiet whisper as small tears fell from her eyes.

"Izzy!" Jace yelled. "Please, help me! I need to slow down the bleeding or he isn't going to survive this!"

Isabelle looked at the scene once more and the fear sank in. The bathroom door was wide open exposing where it all happened. Blood was pooled all over the floor and there was a blade sitting in the middle of the thick blood. There was so much blood it nearly covered the razor blade. Alec was paler than usual, blood staining his clothes where he was sitting in the blood. Jace sat next to him in panic with the once white cloth now doused in blood. Isabelle didn't wait another second before running to him and trying her best to save her brother before it was too late.

"Alec, what the hell were you thinking?" She grabbed a cloth and swore to herself. They both worked on stopping the blood leaving Alec's arm and soon one of the silent brothers entered the room and came to their aid. By this point Alec became unconscious and they were running out of time to save him. The Silent Brother had everyone leave the room before working on the cut on Alec's arm.

Jace and Isabelle sat on the floor, leaning against the wall as Maryse fled the scene to contact Robert and others about the situation. Isabelle's eyes continued to fill with tears no matter how many times she tried to hold them back. Jace had his arm around her shoulder's trying to comfort her. They were both completely in tears at this point. Jace had his eyes fixed on the wooden border of the wall as his mind flooded with the scene he had just witnessed.

"I can't believe he did that…" Jace wiped at his eyes.

"He never did it to hurt you." Isabelle spoke softly.

"I know…" Jace turned his head to avoid looking at Isabelle. "But… Doesn't he know he still has a family that love's him? I know the death of Magnus has really brought him down but-"

"Don't!" Isabelle stopped him. "You have no idea what he's going through right now. Magnus cared about him so much. Once Alec started seeing Magnus it changed him so much in a way no one else could have. He may have been completely stupid for doing this but that doesn't mean you are going to guilt him about it, he especially doesn't need more people putting him down. If it were Simon who had died in there I may have done the same thing or may not have. I've never seen a love as strong as Magnus' and Alec's. I still can't believe he's gone. He brought us all happiness."

Jace looked back at Isabelle, her eyes were red and her brows were knit together in anger. Jace felt tears in his eyes and let them fall. "I'm so sorry Isabelle. I didn't mean that. I was just hurt."

"I know." She looked at the wall in front of her, all of her eye makeup was smudged below her eyes to show she had been crying.. "I'm hurt over this two. But I can't imagine how much he's hurting right now, he probably thinks it will never get better."

"Fuck…" Jace complained. "I'm such a jerk."

"Well you're right about one thing for once." Isabelle teased, trying to get her adopted brother to smile. Jace looked over at her with a sad grin and let out a small laugh.

The door to Alec's room opened and the Silent Brother stepped out.

_Alexander should be fine. The cut on his arm is sealed but he lost a lot of blood so it may be awhile before he wakes up since he lost so much blood. Be careful and make sure he doesn't do this again. He is heavily depressed and is easily led to these attempts of suicide. If you need more help please contact us._

Isabelle and Jace nodded as the Silent Brother left the room in silence. Isabelle and Jace peered in the room. Alec lay on his bed, the covers lifted up to his torso, but his arms exposed laying on top of the blanket. His entire forearm was bandaged and he was deathly pale. His cheekbones stuck out more than usual. It looked as if he hadn't eaten in months… Which he probably hadn't.

Isabelle ran to the side of the bed and grabbed his hand and sobbed into the bed covers. Jace walked next to her and placed his hand on her back. "He'll be okay Izzy."

Isabelle lifted her head form the covers and looked at him. "What if he does it again? What if he never gives up until he succeeds?"

Jace looked over at Alec with sadness. He looked peaceful despite his red swollen eyes, thin face, and extremely pale skin. He looked clam. These past few weeks had seemed its worst but it seemed today was his final breaking point. They all didn't want to be awoken to their brother nearly dead on the bathroom floor with blood pouring from his wrist.

Isabelle and Jace stayed there all night. Isabelle sat on the bed next to Alec, never letting go of his hand. Jace sat in an arm chair next to her, trying to un-see the picture of his brother and parabatai sitting in a pool of his own blood caused by inflicting pain on himself.

The next morning Maryse entered the room holding a tray full of breakfast for all of them. She set it on the end of the bed and grabbed a chair and set next to her children.

"You never came back last night?" Isabelle avoided her mother's eyes.

"What?" Maryse looked taken off guard.

"You never came back last night," She looked over at Alec. "After you went to call the Silent Brothers for help you never came back to see Alec…" She looked at her mother. "Why?"

"I-I couldn't see my son like that, it was too much to bare." Maryse wiped at her eyes.

"That should be no excuse not to see your son." Isabelle said sternly, her eyes burning into Maryse'. "Those could have been Alec's last moments and you didn't come see him because, _it was too hard to see_?" Isabelle glanced back to Alec.

"No- I!" Maryse went to defend herself but Jace cut her off.

"You think that this wasn't hard for us either. Just because someone is hurt and it's hard for you to see doesn't mean you just leave the situation to others or that person in specific. He could have died because of you." Jace said, his words like venom.

Maryse' eyes filled with tears after Jace's last words and stood up from her chair. She walked out of the room with her hand over her mouth trying to stop the sobbing. Jace knew he shouldn't have said that, but it was the truth.

Not much time longer after Maryse left Alec awoke. His eyes barely fluttered open, and he glanced over at his siblings sitting next to him. Isabelle looked awful. She was clutching at his hand, her eyes shut but she was awake. Tears just barely left her eyes where bags set below them. Her hair was a mess and her makeup was smeared and her clothes were wrinkled. Jace didn't look so well either. He was looked up at the ceiling with tears brimming his eyes. He had bags under his eyes as well, with wrinkled bloody clothing. He had no idea why, and then it hit him.

His mind quickly flashed back to last night, him holding the blading and making a deep cut along his arm and then collapsing to the flood as blood poured from the wound. Frantic knocks from the door followed by Jace kicking the door open. Maryse going to call the Silent brothers as Jace and Isabelle swarmed around him, helping him… And then everything going black.

Alec didn't want to bother them, but he suspected they were probably waiting for him to wake up.

"Isabelle…" Alec croaked, both of their eyes darted to Alec. "Ja-ace"

They both grabbed him into a big hug and he could hear sobs from his two siblings. He could believe what he just put them through, he completely regretted it.

They stayed in their hug for long time before letting go. Alec pulled away, wiping at his eyes, "I'm so sorry guys…" He sobbed, looking down at the bed sheets.

"Don't apologize Alec, it's alright." Isabelle comforted.

"It's not alright…" Alec shook his head. "I can't believe I thought this would help when it wound up hurting more people in the process. I'm so sorry."

"Alec," Isabelle placed her hand over his. "People in your situation would have done the same thing. It's alright, don't make yourself guilty."

Alec nodded his head, looking at the bandages in his arm. "Wh-where's mom?" Alec looked around.

Jace closed his eyes and clenched his fist, making the anger at the topic obvious. "She thought that seeing this was too much for her so she decided she would just not be included in this family situation."

Alec's eyes widened and he looked back down, trying not to let his feelings get to him. They all sat there in silence for a while before Alec spoke up. "Maybe you guys should go get some rest. You both look exhausted."

"Trust me, we are." Jace spoke. "And same to you, when's the last time you ate?" Jace looked at him. Alec looked down avoiding his eyes. "Well, from now on, I will be sleeping in here and watching you. I know you're not too happy about this but you should understand where I'm coming from. Where we are all coming from." Jace looked at Isabelle.

Alec nodded. Despite how much he'd rather be alone in his sorrow right now, he agreed and Jace made a plan to sleep on the floor in Alec's room and constantly be by his side during all hours. Since it was passed it was almost midday, Jace had Alec come with him to the kitchen and eat. Jace had noticed how thin Alec was getting and how much sleep he deprived himself of. Alec never shown up to any weapon or fighting practice since the death of Magnus.

Alec sat at the small bar in the kitchen and Jace set a sandwich on a plate in front of him with a glass of water. Alec sat there, unwanting to eat and to be let alone. Jace stood in front of him, waiting for Alec to move but he would only sit there.

"Please Alec," Jace complained. "You need to eat. I know how much you would rather go back to your room and stay there locked up, but you need to start getting things together no matter how hard things are."

Alec looked up at Jace and met his eyes. Jace looked worried and nervous, but soon he let out a sigh of relief when Alec took a bite of his sandwich and continued eating with no complaints. Jace pulled out a seat next to Alec and sat next to him, resting his elbows on the marble surface.

Jace noticed Alec flinch as he began to speak. "Please promise me you'll never do that again…" Jace looked across from his, avoiding Alec's eyes.

"Jace-" Alec spoke with tears building in his eyes.

"Alec, I'm not mad at you at all for doing it, but you made us worry. So please just promise us that you'll be safe and won't try that again."

"Okay." Alec sighed. "I promise. I was stupid for doing it in the first place, I never even thought of what this would do to you."

Jace just nodded, staring ahead. Maryse soon entered the kitchen and was surprised to see Alec sitting there interacting with Jace, let alone be out of his room in general.

"Alec!" Maryse' eyes lit up and she ran to hug him. She wrapped her arms around Alec but he just kept his arms at his sides. "I'm so glad you're okay."

Alec just nodded and turned around back to eating.

"Is something wrong?" Maryse asked.

"He wanted to know where his mother was this morning when he woke up with his arm bounded in bandages." Jace answered for him.

"Alec, I didn't mean-" Maryse was abruptly cut off.

Alec stood up avoiding Maryse and put his empty plate in the sink and left the kitchen with Jace following him.

"I'm sorry Alec." Jace muttered as they walked up the stairs back to his room. Alec sat back on his bed, even though a moment of events just taken away his thinking, he was back in his room with nothing to do with his thoughts. His thoughts of Magnus.

Jace sat in the arm chair with a book in his hand. He heard sobbing from across the room. Alec sat on his bed with his knees pulled to his chest and his eyes covered by his hands. Jace got up from his seat and placed an arm around Alec to comfort him. Alec shook as he was overcome with sobs. "It'll be alright Alec."

"I know it's just…" Alec looked up from his behind his hands. "I miss him so much and I try to forget it but I can't stop seeing him. Every time I close my eyes, he's there in my memories and I constantly hear his voice. I can't even sleep without seeing him. That's why I did that last night."

"What happened?" Jace asked.

"I saw Magnus. And it felt so real." Alec spoke. "It wasn't a memory. He spoke to me like he knew what was happening, in my dreams. He said he couldn't stand seeing me like this and tried to stop me from what I did last night. But I woke up and he was gone."

"Magnus is speaking to you through your dreams, Alec." Jace said seriously.

"No, it was just a dream from my imagination." Alec shook his head. "Magnus is gone and I'm never going to see him again and I'll be forever stuck in my room sobbing over his death forever."

Jace looked down at the bed sheets with his thoughts moving. Suddenly Chairman Meow jumped up on the bed, trying to get in Alec's lap. Alec picked up the small cat and held him to his chest petting him softly.

"I didn't know that you got Chairman Meow back." Jace smiled.

"Yeah, when Izzy took me to get my things from the loft I couldn't go in there without breaking down. So she went in there for me to get my things." Alec began to cry again. "She set a blanket in my lap with Chairman Meow in it. He's the best thing I could get to remind me of Magnus."

Jace sat there silently petting the small cat. Chairman Meow was content since he was in Alec's lap but if it was anyone else you would be attacked.

Alec and Jace spent a great time together again talking. It felt like the old days when they would get along and banter. Like when they were kids. It was a relief to talk to Jace like that again for Alec. Like there was nothing to worry about. He never wanted the moment to end.

Isabelle soon entered the room and joined the moment with them. This has been the happiest Alec has ever been since Magnus died. This has been the first time he has been able to talk with someone without it leading to him crying, or some else crying. It feels like it's been forever since he's been able to actually talk to his family.

But soon the memory was over and it was getting late. Alec got ready for bed as Jace put together his bed on the sofa in Alec's room. Once Alec got out of the shower in his bathroom and got dressed Jace was already asleep on the sofa. Alec laughed to himself when he heard Jace begin to snore.

But soon enough Alec was passed out asleep just like Jace…

_As I slept through the night I kept waking up… Feeling a presence near me. I wanted to see what it was I was sensing but I was so asleep I just couldn't convince myself to get out of bed._

_ Suddenly a voice whispered into my ear, telling me to open my eyes. So I did. I saw the darkness of the room and the ceiling above and around me. I looked to my right and I saw it again. Him again. The deep green and gold eyes that I feel in love with so long ago. Magnus…_

_"Magnus?" I said, taken off guard._

_ "Why did you do it Alec…?" He looked down avoiding my eyes. "I told you not to, I told you to be safe. I love you Alec, you can't leave this world."_

_ "I'm sorry Magnus but it was just so unbearable to live without you."_

_ "Please Alec…" Magnus began to cry. "If I ever have a chance of seeing you again I don't want you to be buried in the morgue with the other shadowhunters. I want you to be alive and happy with your family."_

_ Alec became confused. "What?"_

_ "Please stay safe Alec, I love you." He said. And then faded away like a ghost and left again._

** :D Soooo… Did you like it? Are you confused? Are you happy? IDK! I hope you did enjoy it even though it might be weird, strange, or confusing. But Alec is finally getting better besides the stunt he has pulled this chapter. I hope this chapter is good, I'm sure if many will like it, but hopefully so! I will, HOPEFULLY, see you guys again soon…**


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